And Then Comes Marriage

  If I had a blogroll, which I don’t yet, Cari from (W)ren’s Nest would be at the very top of it.  Hers is one of the first blogs that I began to read regularly, and my morning routine isn’t complete until I’ve stopped in to read her latest update.  The thing about Cari is that you feel as though you’re stopping to chat with your best friend.  Oh, and she has video updates, which I think are so much fun!  As you’ll soon find out, Cari has an amazing sense of humor and a writing style that will leave you begging for more.  So after reading this post, stop by her blog and say ‘hello’!  🙂 — Nicole

Hi Loving Simple Moment fans! I am beyond excited to pay back the favor to my dear blogger friend with a guest post and over the moon on the topic..MARRIAGE!

{Carla Ten Eyck}

So I first want to say that I am certainly no expert and I am actually considered a “newlywed” in the circle of married couples, but the last 16 months have taught me a lot about love, marriage, compromise, and most importantly myself.  The moment leading up to that kiss above was exciting, exhilarating and quite an adventure, but nothing could prepare me for what was to come after that kiss…

You know the part Disney leaves out after the prince kisses the princess and Happily Ever After scrolls across the screen??!!  When Cinderella is upset when her Prince Charming doesn’t clean up after himself because she is now officially a neat freak after cleaning house all those years.  When Snow White tell her prince she wants 7 kids to replace those adorable dwarfs she lived with all those years and he tells her he only wants 2 kids.  When Ariel’s kids are afraid of water and so she doesn’t get to visit her family under the sea very often. {okay okay I can tend to be dramatic..HAHA}. Well there is always a story after “the kiss”–the part of the story that is private, the part that is kept behind closed doors, the part that is not always talked about.

  {marriage is serious business}

  here is

one story

one mistake

one lesson

For most of my life I knew that being healthy and staying fit were important aspects of life.  My dad was a runner and my mom was a gym lover and so I grew up in a family that focused on fitness.  Even if I found excuses to not exercise I always knew I should and always had this nagging voice in me saying…stay fit! Stay strong! Workout!  Well for my entire engagement I worked out all the time and even broke down and got a trainer for a year of the engagement.  I felt great and refreshed and strong and ready to walk down the aisle in front of hundreds. I also felt that I would keep this routine up once married even without a wedding dress to fit into because of how good I felt.

  {checking out all my hard work at the gym}

Flash to about 6 months into our marriage and I hadn’t been to the gym once. Not one single attempt to put on my sneakers and get active. Even gaining some weight at the beginning of our marriage wasn’t getting me to hit the treadmill.  Even being 10 steps away from a state of the art gym wasn’t getting me active.

I could tell you it was adjusting to life.  I could tell you that it was because we were moving across the country (twice!).  I could also say that I was busy, tired, stressed, unmotivated, but it was none of those items that held me back from the gym and staying fit. BUT I would totally be telling you what you want to hear.  I would be giving you the “Disney version” of the story.

 Want to know why I stopped going to the gym?

Because it meant that I wouldn’t have dinner on the table when my husband got home.

{crickets crickets}

I KNOW IKNOW!! This isn’t the 1950s all over again and I always felt that I was a millennium women speaking up for equal opportunities in our marriage, but if I were being honest with myself and with you readers this is what was holding me back for a solid 6 months!

{does this look like a woman who would fall at the feet of her husband? um no.}

Here is how it happened: I am not a morning riser and so my gym time would normally be after work and then I would start dinner and by that time my husband would be getting home from his hour commute he would set the table and chat with me while I finished dinner.  This happened on repeat cycle for 3 years.   1095 days to be exact I repeated this cycle.

So when we got married we both had different jobs and no longer did my husband have an hour commute.  No longer could I hit the gym and cook dinner and be superwife of the year.  So with my own personal guilt that I am totally blaming on my mom for 20+ years of always having dinner ready for us as soon as she got home.  I also am blaming American culture for putting pressure on women to feel the need to handle all the domestic issues in the household.  I could play the blame game all day long but really the blame should be put back on me.  It was my own doing.  My own guilt. My own choices.

Any time it was dinner on the table vs. working out. working out always lost.

  As Wynonna Judd said on Oprah the other day, “I forgot to put myself on the list”.  I forgot that although dinner, my husband, and my marriage are important that I am also important too. 

So 6 months go by and at the beginning of November I had the idea of doing couch to 5k program , but didn’t know how I would fit in the time.  Then my husband had a brilliant idea of going to the gym together and then cook dinner together {smart man that husband is}.  As time went on our schedules shifted a bit, but I still kept myself a priority and working out a priority.  I still went to the gym even if preparing dinner lingered over me because I knew it could wait or my husband could start it up.  As time went on the guilt faded and I was able to prioritize with a clearer mind.    This one concept {or AHA! moment as Oprah would say} has changed my view on not only the importance of staying fit, but also putting myself back on the list and making myself a priority in our marriage.

  Nowadays, I am training for a race I never though possible because I learned a year ago that having dinner on the table at 5 o’clock every day doesn’t make you a good wife or a good partner.  Throwing away my personal goals and personal motivations does not make me a good wife.  Putting my husband’s perceived needs before my needs all the time does not make me a good wife.  Taking care of myself, being healthy, sometimes being a little selfish, being a role model for our future kids, and putting myself back on the list within our marriage makes me a good wife.

Now we can cook together into the sunset and live Happily Ever After….

the end

excerpt of story: I don’t want anyone hating on my husband and thinking he wanted me barefoot and in the kitchen making his meals everyday.  my husband never asked for dinner to be on the table as soon as he came home.  he never expected me to stop taking care of myself to take care of him.  he never once demanded me to not go workout and cook him a meal.  it was all me. it was all my own assumptions and my own perceptions of what a good wife and marriage is got in the way of leading a healthy and balanced life together. he is a great husband who puts up with a lot from his incredibly awesome wife.  

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4 Responses to And Then Comes Marriage

  1. Pingback: Guest Blogger! « {W}renn's Nest

  2. undividing says:

    I really enjoyed reading your post – I was just thinking about this same concept in relation to parenting! Great point that having dinner on the table doesn’t equate to being a good partner, it’s easy to loose sight of what really matters : ) Thanks for sharing your story!

  3. Meg says:

    I can relate to this! Though I didn’t consciously realize I was doing it either but I was putting my husbands needs ahead of mine all the time without him ever asking!

    I guess some times I forget my hubby is a big boy and will probably survive a few hours without me. 🙂

  4. love1025 says:

    hahahaha yes surviving a few hours but an entire weekend has been pretty hilarious to see! 🙂

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